I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
