you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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