you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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