i wish my penis had a tongue
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
