hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
