I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
