I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
