I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
