you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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