Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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