u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
