there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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