i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
