Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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