My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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