Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
