I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
