and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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