The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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