She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
