I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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