I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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