If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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