apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I looked at my own cervix.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Randomize
