I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
