She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
