DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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