I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I supernannyed him into submission
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
