Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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