But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize