I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
