I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
