Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
