You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
