i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
