i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
