If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I wish there were birth control emojis
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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