I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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