Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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