if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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