I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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