mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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