I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who died my cat blue again?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
