Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
