I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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