I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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