Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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