I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize