why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize