Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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