Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You were trust falling into bushes
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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