On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
