You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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