This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize