fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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