I cannot find my penis.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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