I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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