I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
