my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
