when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
